So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
