i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
