So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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