i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
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