I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
