considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize