you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
