I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
