I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
