I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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