life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize