new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
