also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize