Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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