There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
