i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize