i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
