There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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