Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
