very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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