I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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