You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
