yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
