highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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