my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
She bit a glass in half.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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