But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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