if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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