there's paper in my vomit.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
