you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize