two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Randomize
