At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Couch. On fire.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize