Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
