I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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