i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Randomize
