Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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