so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
