I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
