Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
