It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
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