cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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