she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize