Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
