..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
