The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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