so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
