i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize