I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
