Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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