he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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