East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize