a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
