highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
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