I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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