omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I smell like Dick and happiness
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
