A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
