Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
