We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Just high enough for therapy.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
