The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
