I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
