New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
