I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
