he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
