I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
It's blow job season.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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