I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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