just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
