My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
