i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
