I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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