if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
